Reflections on the Water
by Rachel Hawkins
Summary: Chapter Seven is up. While spending the day together, Abby talks to Luka about her troubles with her brother, and Luka shares a story about his daughter.
1. Mixed Emotions

Author's note: I don't own any of these characters, though don't I wish I did? Please read and review, and be gentle. This is my first fan fiction.  
  
Reflections on the Water Chapter One  
  
Do I really ruin everything I love?  
  
Abby stared at the reflection of the moon on Lake Michigan. Being out here alone at 3 a.m. wasn't the smartest thing she'd ever done, she knew, but she had nowhere else to go. She couldn't sleep.  
  
She'd lain in bed for hours after getting off work. She'd tossed and turned endlessly, then moved out to the couch. Channel surfing hadn't helped. Reading a book hadn't helped. She'd picked up the phone, then realized she had no one to call. Her mother? Not a chance. Susan? She liked the woman, but they weren't close enough for middle-of-the-night phone calls. Other friends? She didn't really have any.  
  
She couldn't call her brother, not that she would, because they hadn't spoken in weeks.  
  
And Carter? Even if he was in the country, he probably wouldn't speak to her. What could she say to him, anyway? She'd apologized every way she knew how, and nothing had worked. In the pit of her stomach she worried it was over between them. What she couldn't decide was if she was sad about that.  
  
Did she love Carter? She didn't think so. She cared for him a lot, yes, but if she loved him why couldn't she stop thinking about Luka?  
  
She missed him, she realized, and had for some time. Not just since he'd left for the Congo a few weeks ago. Every time she fought with Carter, she thought of Luka, and lately there'd been a lot of fights. Ever since Eric had crashed Gamma's funeral. That had probably been the beginning of the end for them. She'd tried to make things right with Carter, but nothing had worked. He'd slipped through her fingers, and she was alone again. Maybe it was a good thing she was used to being alone.  
  
She stood and stretched before heading home again. To her empty apartment. The urge to stop by a store and buy a bottle was fierce, but she resisted it.  
  
Without realizing it, she found herself rounding the corner and approaching Luka's building. She stood on the sidewalk and stared up at his window. He still didn't have curtains. She wondered who was feeding his fish. Probably one of his neighbors. She wished he'd asked her to do it.  
  
She wondered when he'd be back. That last night, at the hospital, he hadn't said. Only that it would be a while before she saw him again. She closed her eyes as she remembered the bittersweet feel of having his arms around her again. She loved the way she felt against him, her head resting against his heart, his big strong arms holding her close. It had felt so good to be held against him again, she'd had to fight back tears when he released her.  
  
She dipped her hands into her pockets and absently jingled her keys. Her fingers instinctively closed around one key, and she withdrew her hand from her pocket. It was Luka's key. He'd given it to her last year, when she'd stayed with him after Brian's attack. She'd moved back to her own apartment eventually, but he'd never asked for it back. She hadn't really thought much about it until now. She looked at the key, then up at his window and back again. It was a bad idea. She didn't have his permission to stay here now. Then again, if he were here, would he turn her away? She didn't think so. He'd wanted her to stay longer last year. And truth be told, a part of her had wanted to stay too.  
  
"What the hell," she muttered as she entered the building. It was the middle of the night. She was here. He was half way around the world. And every sane person in the building was asleep. No one would ever know she'd been here.  
  
She unlocked his door and slipped inside. She locked it quietly behind her and leaned back against it. She really was crazy. Maybe the Wyczenski curse hadn't skipped her after all.  
  
She dropped her keys back in her pocket and walked through the living room. Her fingers trailed over the back of the couch, across the kitchen counter, ad then she was there, in the doorway of his bedroom. Her heart thudded against her ribs. She half-expected him to roll over in bed and ask her what she was doing here.  
  
But he wasn't here. He was thousands of miles away.  
  
She stood in the doorway for endless minutes, staring toward his bed. It had been almost two years since she'd shared it with him. Regret rushed up, swift and volatile. She'd made so many mistakes with him, and she was sorry for every one of them.  
  
She stepped into the room, drawn like a magnet to the wide expanse of the bed. She rested a hand on the dark spread and felt a tear slide down her cheek. Damn, she missed him. She hurt, she missed him so much.  
  
She slipped out of her jacket and sat on the edge of the bed. She'd just sit down for a minute, then she'd leave. She rested her hand on his pillow, pictured his dark hair against the blue pillowcase. She loved his hair. Thick and silky. She closed her eyes and pictured it sifting through her fingers. She pictured his hair falling into his eyes as he hovered over her in this very bed. She lifted a hand to her cheek, almost able to feel the soft rasp of his beard stubble as he kissed her.  
  
She pulled back the spread and crawled beneath the sheets. It wouldn't hurt to lay down for a few minutes. She just wanted to rest a bit before she left.  
  
She rested her head against his pillow and took a deep breath. It smelled like him. Even after weeks, it retained a hint of his scent, a combination of his woodsy aftershave and the fragrance that was uniquely his. She curled up on her side, wishing he was here to slide an arm around her. He'd pull her up against his side, and she'd rest her cheek on his chest before drifting off to sleep.  
  
And though she'd never said it aloud, on many of those nights, she'd whispered I love you as she drifted into dreams. 


	2. Nose to the Grindstone

Chapter Two  
  
Her eyes snapped open, registering how light it was. Oh, my God, she thought. She'd fallen asleep in Luka's bed. She glanced at the clock on the table beside his bed. 8:00 a.m. She'd slept through the night. In Luka's bed.  
  
She threw back the covers and jumped up, then realized what had awoken her. Someone was in the apartment.  
  
Her heart in her throat, she crept to the bedroom door. A low male voice murmured something, but she couldn't make out the words. She heard a soft clicking sound, and then the voice was louder.  
  
"See you tomorrow, fellas." The door closed moment later.  
  
The fish, she realized with a sigh of relief. The man had been a neighbor, come to feed the fish. He hadn't known she was here.  
  
Not wanting to press her luck any further, she straightened his bed spread and grabbed her jacket. She let herself quietly out of the apartment and walked away from the building.  
  
Back in her apartment, she cursed herself as she showered. She couldn't believe she'd gone to Luka's apartment in the first place, let alone fallen asleep on his bed. Stupid. They weren't together anymore, even if a part of her wanted to be.  
  
It was Cheerios and Pepsi for breakfast, then she left her apartment and headed for the El station. Carter's two weeks were up, she realized. She wondered if he was back yet, if she would see him at the hospital. She wondered if she cared.  
  
She got to the hospital and stowed her jacket in the lounge. The weather was cold and rainy, like her mood.  
  
Pratt was at admit when she left the lounge, flirting with Chen. Frank was on the phone, grousing to whoever was on the other end of the line.  
  
"Morning Abby." Susan stopped at the desk and deposited a chart.  
  
"Morning." She looked around. Patients were everywhere, the noise level high. "One of those days, huh?" she asked.  
  
"I hate rainy nights," Susan said as she erased a name from the board. "Every idiot in the city sees to show up here when it rains. First there was the guy who thought he had worms in his legs and tried to dig them out with a butcher knife. Then there was the guy who jumped into the river-to save a whale, he says-and almost drowned. And let's not forget the couple who decided to see if a golf ball would fit 'up there'."  
  
Abby grimaced. "I'm afraid to ask."  
  
"It fit. And he didn't sound too happy when we took it out."  
  
"Ouch. I'm really sorry I missed that."  
  
"Sure you are. At least I've only got an hour left."  
  
The radio beeped an incoming call and Abby answered it. "Don't be so sure of that hour thing," she told Susan a moment later. "Multiple MVA ten minutes out. Two criticals, seven minors. All headed our way."  
  
Susan sighed. "All right. Prep Trauma 1 and page surgery. I'll go find Pratt and Chen."  
  
"Who else is here?"  
  
"Gallant's around somewhere, I think I saw Weaver earlier, but she's probably up in Romano's office. Oh, and Carter's due in about an hour. Have Frank page him early."  
  
"Got it." So he was back, she thought. She wondered how he was doing. Would he want to see her? Or was he going to continue avoiding her like he'd done before he left?  
  
She dropped the thoughts when the ambulances started rolling up. She got pulled in with Susan and Chen. Their victim was a twenty-five-year-old woman with an open leg fracture and facial lacerations from hitting her head on the car window.  
  
"What's your name?" Susan asked.  
  
"Lisa."  
  
"Lisa, I'm Doctor Lewis. This is Doctor Chen. We're going to take care of you, okay? Now are you allergic to any medications?"  
  
"No. Please, my leg, it's killing me."  
  
"Give her ten of morphine and get ortho in here," Chen said.  
  
"I need an operation?" Lisa asked, panicked.  
  
"Don't worry," Abby told her. "You're going to be fine. But your leg is broken and it'll have to be fixed in the OR." She grabbed the phone and paged an orthopedic surgeon, then turned back as Susan gave her orders to another nurse.  
  
"Let's get a full trauma panel, type and cross for four units, and full films on that leg now."  
  
"I'll take her," Abby said. She took the chart and hung it from the side of the gurney. Once a nurse had drawn a vial of blood she said, "Okay, Lisa. We're going to get some x-rays now, then the surgeon is going to take a look at your leg. He'll get you fixed up in no time."  
  
"Can you call my boyfriend for me? I was on my way to see him when this happened."  
  
"Sure." Abby wheeled her into radiology and grabbed a blank notepad and pen. "Write down his name and phone number."  
  
When the x-rays were done, she wheeled Lisa back to the trauma room, where the surgeon was waiting. She handed him the x-rays and told him what had happened. "I'll go call your boyfriend," she said to Lisa.  
  
"You're leaving?"  
  
"Don't worry. You're in good hands." She smiled as she left the trauma room. At the desk, she picked up the phone and dialed the number she'd been given. When a male voice answered, she said, "Is this Jeff?...This is Abby Lockhart at County General Hospital. Your girlfriend Lisa was in an accident..."  
  
She glanced up as Carter walked in through the ambulance entrance. He met her eye, then turned away and entered the lounge. Abby shook her head, then remembered she was in the middle of a phone call. "...No, she's going to be fine, but she needs surgery on her leg...Just come to the front desk and we'll let you know where she is."  
  
She hung up, then came around the desk and started toward the lounge.  
  
"Abby! Can you start a line on the guy in Exam 4?" Susan called out from behind her.  
  
She glanced at the lounge. "Sure."  
  
For the next two hours she was busy with patients and didn't have much time to stop and think about Carter. Susan left at some point and Weaver took over. Abby helped with a final victim of the car accident, then a man who was stabbed by his wife.  
  
She was changing dressings on a patient with minor burns when Carter poked his head in the room. "You have a minute?"  
  
She met his eye and took a deep breath. "Okay." 


	3. Fire and Wind

Chapter Three - Fire and Wind  
  
They went to the roof. The rain had stopped, but the skies remained dark. Wind whipped around them. Abby shivered, rubbing her hands up and down her arms. She turned away from the wind and brushed the hair from her eyes. She looked up at Carter. He held his lab coat around him. He looked darker, she realized. More tan than when he'd left.  
  
"Have you been in the sun a lot?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah. There was an outdoor vaccination clinic we ran. There was a tent to stand under, but it wasn't perfect."  
  
"It must have been hot out there all day."  
  
"It was."  
  
This inane conversation was killing her already. She tried to remember the last time they'd had a real conversation, but couldn't. "When did you get back?"  
  
"Last night." He looked at her, his eyes intense, focused. "I stopped by your apartment. You weren't there."  
  
"I went for a walk." Just a walk, that's all, she thought. No way in hell was she going to tell him where she'd really been. She still couldn't believe it herself, but she could imagine Carter's anger if he found out.  
  
"At 3:30 in the morning?"  
  
"I couldn't sleep. I'd been in bed for hours, just laying there, staring at the ceiling."  
  
"So you decided to walk around Chicago by yourself." His disapproval was palpable. He stared at her like he couldn't quite believe she'd done something so stupid.  
  
"Yes. And I'm fine. Nothing happened."  
  
Carter closed his eyes and fought back his frustration. In his opinion, Abby took too many risks without stopping to consider the consequences. And she always thought she had things under control. She'd stepped into her neighbor's messy relationship and gotten herself assaulted in the process. She'd started drinking again, claiming it was under control and she only had a beer or a cocktail every now and then. She'd taken her bipolar brother to his grandmother's funeral, for God's sake, thinking he would just sit quietly in the car. And now she was walking around at night, by herself.  
  
He thought Africa had changed him. The living conditions, the poverty, the lack of proper equipment and drugs were all so vastly different than what he'd always known. And the gun to his head had certainly made him think things over. You couldn't help but reevaluate things when your life was being threatened by rebel gunmen.  
  
He'd had an overwhelming urge to return home, to find something good in his life and hold onto it. He'd thought first of Gamma, but she was dead. Then he'd thought of Abby. They'd been on the outs lately, and he admitted he wasn't quite ready to forgive her for what had happened at the funeral, but he'd found himself at her apartment anyway. Only she hadn't been there.  
  
He wondered if he'd idealized her while he was gone. Had he forgotten everything that had gone wrong between them? Had he forgotten how stubborn she was, how resistant to him when he only wanted to help her?  
  
"So where did you go?"  
  
"I sat by the lake for a while. Watched the stars."  
  
"You went all the way to the lake?" he asked in disbelief.  
  
"You want to get mad about this?" She paced back and forth, trying to burn off an excess of nervous energy. "Okay, then how about I get mad about the fact I had to find out from Luka that you were going to Africa?"  
  
"That was different."  
  
"Yeah, it was. You knew I was only a few yards away when you decided to leave, but you didn't say a word. I had no way of knowing you were here when I decided to take a walk. And that doesn't take into account the week you didn't speak to me before you left."  
  
"I was angry."  
  
Abby sighed. "I know that, Carter. And you had a right to be. But I tried every way I could think of to apologize and nothing was good enough."  
  
Suddenly he remembered it all again, Eric's rambling, his stumbling, and the quiet murmurs and stares from all of his family and Gamma's society friends and colleagues. "I was humiliated!" he burst out in frustration. "You brought your drunk, bipolar brother to Gamma's funeral. He fell into the grave, for God's sake!"  
  
"And you know I never meant for any of that to happen."  
  
"You couldn't have just left him at home." It wasn't a question.  
  
"I was scared, Jon. He showed up at my apartment, manic, off his meds after picking a fight and leaving his program. I was afraid if I left him alone he'd leave, never to be seen again. He's my little brother. I'm trying to save his life."  
  
Carter ran a hand through his hair. "I know that. But you could have taken him to the hospital. You could have called the police. You didn't need to take him there with you."  
  
"Calling the police wouldn't have helped him."  
  
"You can't help everybody."  
  
"We're not talking about just anybody. We're talking about my brother, who I practically raised myself because Maggie was too messed up to take care of us. I'm not just going to toss him to the cops and walk away."  
  
"He's always going to be there, isn't he? Between us? I'm always going to have to wonder when the next time you're going to run after him is going to be."  
  
"He's going to stay in the program now. He's going to stay on his meds."  
  
"You really think so? You really think he'll stay? Because you know as well as I do that programs only work if you want them to. And the last time I saw him it didn't look to me like he wanted to be in a program."  
  
"Well, what do you want me to do?" she cried out.  
  
"I don't know. But I do know I don't want to be part of a three-person relationship."  
  
Abby frowned in confusion. "Are you giving me an ultimatum? Are you asking me to choose? You or my brother?"  
  
She waited for his denial, but it didn't come. She'd half-expected him to break things off officially once he got back, but it hurt more than she'd imagined. Mostly, she thought, because he'd known about her family going into the relationship, and now he was holding it against her. He'd been there for her when Maggie had disappeared. He'd gone to Oklahoma with her to retrieve Maggie from that motel room, and he'd driven them all the way back to Chicago. They hadn't been dating then, his own relationship had in fact fallen apart because of it, but he'd been there for her. And now he was ready to throw their relationship away because of the very family he'd helped her with before?  
  
"I don't have time for this right now," she said with a shake of her head. "I've got patients."  
  
She left him standing on the roof, wind swirling around him, and hurried back inside. She took the stairs back down to the ER, needing to burn off some energy. She couldn't believe this was happening. How could he expect her to just toss her brother aside? Eric had been the one thing she had to hold onto during her crazy childhood. Carter knew that. She'd thought he understood. She worked through the rest of her shift mechanically, avoiding Carter's intense gaze as much as she could. There were a few times she looked up and caught him watching her, but each time she quickly looked away. There was something unnerving in his eyes; vaguely accusatory, vaguely disbelieving. Like he couldn't believe she hadn't thrown herself into his arms up on the roof. But she couldn't, because as crazy as her family drove her sometimes, as much as a part of her would like to, she couldn't just throw them to the wolves. They were her family.  
  
It started raining again when she left the hospital, and she was soaked by the time she made it to the El station. She boarded in a daze, and almost missed her stop because her mind was a million miles away. As she walked up the street toward her apartment, she wondered where Luka was. Was he still in Africa? When was he coming home? Was he coming home at all? Her heart tripped at the thought that he wouldn't. She needed him, she realized. She needed his understanding. She needed the warmth of his arms. She needed his smile, his deep, soothing voice. And she wanted his laugh, all the more precious for its rarity. But most of all, she just wanted to know she still mattered to him.  
  
When she got to her apartment, she took a long shower, then planted herself on the couch. She ate a TV dinner and watched sitcom reruns for hours, her mind running on a loop, repeating the same phrase every few minutes. Come home Luka. 


	4. A Hero's Broken Heart

Reflections on the Water - Chapter Four  
  
Being nurse manager had its perks, Abby discovered. She basically set her own schedule, which meant she could work opposite shifts from Carter. She wanted to avoid as much post-break-up awkwardness as she could. She didn't want to end up arguing in front of everyone. The ER gossip mill was vicious, and that was the last thing she wanted.  
  
Not that there was much to argue about anymore. It had been almost a week since that scene on the roof. They'd gone to each other's apartments and picked up their own leftover things. They'd given back their keys to the other's apartments. There wasn't much left to be done.  
  
She was sorry things had ended the way they had. She cared about Carter. She wanted him to be happy. But she knew she couldn't make him-or anyone- happy, unless she was accepted for who she was. If someone tried to change her, to save her when she didn't want to be saved, it made her mad. And when she was mad, she had a nasty habit of taking it out on those around her.  
  
So she worked opposite shifts when she could. And when she couldn't, she kept the conversations to work topics only. She hoped after some time passed they could be friends again, but for now she thought it was best to stick to work.  
  
She thought about Luka constantly. When she woke up every morning, she wished he was there. She missed the easy way they worked together, how they anticipated each other's moves even during a crisis. She missed sharing a quick joke when they had a little downtime.  
  
She missed him so much, she found herself outside his apartment almost every night. She'd stand there for a long time, staring up at his window. She'd jingle her keys in her pocket, cursing herself for a fool, knowing she should go back to her own apartment but also knowing she wouldn't. She slipped inside and locked his door behind her. She draped her jacket across the back of his leather chair and slowly approached the bedroom. She stared at the bed, hardly even realizing her feet were moving until she sat down on the edge. After that first time, though, she always made sure she was awake and gone before his neighbor came over to feed his fish. Her nighttime trips remained her secret, the one piece of him she could hold onto.  
  
She checked her mail every day, silently hoping for a postcard, but nothing came. She wondered how he was doing, if he was happy there. Her heart lurched at the thought that he may have found someone-another doctor or nurse-and decided that was who he wanted. It made her ache to think of him with another woman. She knew he'd been with other women since their break up. Nicole, Chuny, and who knew who else. But he never stayed with them. She wanted him to stay with her.  
  
That's what she'd realized these last few days, that she wanted Luka back. She wanted to make it work this time. She didn't want to make the same mistakes again. If and when he came back, she was going to talk to him, really talk this time. She wouldn't keep things bottled up like she had before. He'd tried to help with her family too, but she hadn't really let him. She hadn't told him just how much the whole situation hurt her. She wouldn't do that again. If he gave her a second chance, she would grab onto it with both hands and do everything she could to make it work.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Stars shone in the sky like a sea of diamonds on a blanket of black velvet. The ground was so far down it wasn't visible from the small airplane window. Not that he was looking.  
  
Luka leaned his head back against the seat and stared blankly at the seat in front of him. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. He needed a shave. He needed a real shower. He needed to crawl into his bed and sleep for about four days straight. But he didn't think that was going to happen. He hadn't slept through the night the entire seven weeks he'd been gone.  
  
Being in the Congo, seeing the poverty, the war injuries, had reminded him so much of Croatia. Of the devastation he'd faced. Of holding Danjiela and Jasna in his arms as they took their last breaths. Of finding Marko already gone. He'd never felt so helpless, so utterly alone as in those quiet hours after they were gone. He'd wept for them, promising the devil his soul if he could bring them back. But they couldn't come back, and nothing had ever completely filled the hole that his family had left.  
  
One woman had come close. One woman who hoarded her happiness, who had refused to take the risk of letting him inside her heart. A woman whose stubbornness frustrated him to no end, yet one whose strength and beauty took his breath away.  
  
Abby. Just thinking her name made his heart rate speed up a bit.  
  
They shared quite a history. An easy working relationship at first with a little mild flirtation thrown in, all leading up to Abby's impulsive kiss in the ambulance bay. The memory almost brought a smile to his face. Of all the things they'd been through together, that very first kiss remained one of his very favorite memories of her. Playful, smiling; she was so beautiful when she smiled. She deserved to be happy, and he deeply regretted that he hadn't been able to do that.  
  
The first date had been perfect, with all of the requisite getting-to-know- you small talk and nervous sexual tension. Until the mugger, whose name he'd never learned. He'd tried to pull away from her then, to hide inside himself and write the whole thing off. But she hadn't let him. She'd sought him out and comforted him, and from that point on he hadn't been able to get her out of his head, or his heart.  
  
It hadn't been easy. Dealing with her mother had been a trying experience. She hadn't wanted to let him in, to confide in him, and that had hurt. But he'd tried to be there for her all the same. And seeing her pain, and how she stoically tried to block it away and move on had made him respect her in some strange way. He knew it couldn't have been easy for her growing up with a bipolar mother, but she'd survived. He wondered if that was why she had such a hard time confiding in people now, because she'd never had anyone to confide in when she was younger.  
  
They'd had some good times. They'd gone on dates, shared breakfasts, dinners. They'd gone to and from work together, sharing small talk and quiet jokes. And they'd made love. Usually quietly, without many words, but each and every encounter had been beautiful, powerful. It had felt right being with her that way, like it was meant to be.  
  
But it hadn't lasted. Things had come between them, stupid, petty things made all the worse because they didn't talk to each other about things that mattered. She'd accused him of being unable to let Danjiela go. He'd thrown Carter in her face instead of accepting that he was a friend. They'd said awful things to each other, and they'd split up. Once his initial anger had dimmed, he'd been filled with desolation. He'd wanted her back, had wanted to try to find a way to make things right, but he hadn't known how, so he'd let it drop.  
  
She was with Carter now, had been for more than a year. He'd accused her before of wanting Carter more than she wanted him, and when the pox scare had ended last year and he learned they'd gotten together, he'd been devastated. He hid it well, of course, but the pain was there, floating just below the surface. It was a slick blackness that gathered around his heart, deepening and expanding each time he saw them together.  
  
He wanted her to be happy though, even if it was with Carter, because through all the turmoil he'd come to the conclusion he loved her. He loved her, with all of her strengths and her faults, and he thought he probably always would. So he'd wish her well, even if seeing her with Carter felt like a knife to the heart.  
  
He wondered how they were doing now. He and Abby had only talked for a couple of minutes in the lounge the night before he left for Africa, but he'd gotten the impression things weren't going well for them. He didn't want to wish them ill; he wasn't going to let himself become that bitter. It just hurt so much to be apart from her, and to see her with Carter.  
  
After leaving Africa he'd spent a few days in Zagreb with his father. It had been so good to see him again, he'd considered staying. But his father, with his gentle and direct way of speaking, had made him realize a few things that had plagued him the last couple of years. That Danjiela would want him to be happy. That falling in love with Abby was not a betrayal of his beloved former wife and children. That no matter how much you wanted it, some things weren't meant to be.  
  
And also, that Chicago was now his home. Croatia was his birthplace, and he should always remember where he came from. Croatia had many beautiful things to offer, and he should visit often, but that his home was in Chicago.  
  
Maybe that was true, he thought as the pilot came over the intercom and told them there were currently flying over New York and would be getting to Chicago in a couple hours. But Luka wasn't sure he could stay at County. It was getting too hard to see Abby with Carter every day. He loved her, and seeing her with another man was torture.  
  
He decided finally, as the plane descended toward O'Hare, that he would begin searching for a job at another hospital. Maybe he'd look for another inner city hospital on the other side of the city. The atmosphere would be busy, drowning out the worst of his dark thoughts, and he wouldn't have to look at Abby every day and mourn what couldn't be.  
  
He was sluggish when he got off the plane. He felt like he was coming off of a ten-day drinking binge, and he probably looked the part too. He was glad he hadn't told anyone he was coming back. It would give him a chance to rest, to get his head back on straight before he began searching for a new job. He would have to talk to Abby eventually; she deserved to hear straight from him that he was leaving. That would have to wait, though. He wanted to make sure he had somewhere to go before he told her.  
  
He grabbed his luggage and walked a straight line out of the airport and hailed a cab. He'd left the Viper at home, not wanting to leave it in the airport parking lot when he hadn't known how long he'd be gone. So he climbed into the back seat of the cab and leaned his head back as the driver pulled away. He drifted in an out of sleep until a loud "Hey buddy!" from the cab driver shook him awake. He paid the man and dragged his luggage from the car. As the cabbie sped off into the night, Luka dug around for his keys and walked into his building. It would feel good to sleep in a real bed, he thought, instead of just a hard cot covered in mosquito netting. He figured he was too exhausted to even dream tonight. Which meant he wouldn't have to picture Abby crawling into bed next to him.  
  
He unlocked his door and stepped inside. He didn't bother with lights as he tossed his luggage aside. A shaft of moonlight shined through his window, softly illuminating the living room.  
  
It took him a few moments to realize there was something different about the room. There was some small detail his subconscious was trying to make him see. But he was so tired, it took several visual sweeps of the room to find it. His chair. There was a dark-colored jacket laying over the back of the chair. It hadn't been there when he'd left. He approached it cautiously, looking around for any strange shadows.  
  
He didn't see any. He picked up the jacket and examined it. It looked vaguely familiar. He'd seen this jacket before. His heart kicked up a notch. He knew someone who had a jacket just like this one. But there was no reason for it to be in his apartment. It didn't make sense. He brought the jacket to his face and inhaled slowly. It smelled like her. It had to be hers. But what was it doing in his apartment? Was someone trying to play a sick joke on him?  
  
He dropped the jacket back on the chair and ran his hands through his hair, over his face. It couldn't be her jacket. His neighbor must have left it, and his mind was playing tricks by making him think it was hers. That was it. Of course. He would return the jacket to his neighbor in the morning.  
  
He headed for his bedroom, tapping his finger against the top of the fish tank as he went. As he approached his bedroom he realized his heart still hadn't slowed down. It was still going full steam ahead, and he knew he wasn't going to get much sleep after all.  
  
He stopped in the bedroom doorway. His heart froze in his chest, then started beating again, so rapidly he was afraid it would burst. He felt dizzy suddenly and had to grab the door frame to steady himself. He blinked rapidly and shook his head to clear it. He took a couple of slow steps into the room, his eyes never leaving the bed, or its peacefully sleeping occupant.  
  
He found himself paralyzed, staring at Abby as she dreamed. 


	5. If Wishes Were Horses

Chapter Five  
  
He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe.  
  
It made no sense. What was she doing here, sleeping in his bed? They'd been apart almost two years, and she was supposed to be with Carter.  
  
His feet carried him toward the bed. As if in a trance, he sank to his knees beside her. Her hair was tousled around her face, and his brows drew together when he saw a teartrack dried across her cheek. His hand reached toward her, gently brushing a lock of hair from her face.  
  
He loved watching her sleep. He remembered other times, better times, when he'd stayed awake just so he could watch her sleep. It seemed to be the only time her demons deserted her. The only time she was truly at ease, the only time she let herself be vulnerable.  
  
A shaky breath escaping his lips, he dropped his head to the edge of the bed. He squeezed his eyes shut against the stinging moisture that formed behind his lids. She was so close, yet she was still so far away.  
  
He lifted his head as she stirred. She shifted, a soft moan escaping her lips as she adjusted the sheet clutched to her chest. Her eyes fluttered, and Luka's breath caught. He stared at her, his heartbeat suspended as she made a soft sound of distress. A tear slid from the corner of her eye, and he couldn't take it anymore.  
  
He touched her shoulder. "Abby?" he whispered. "Abby, wake up. You're having a bad dream."  
  
Her eyes flew open. For a moment she was disoriented, lost in the swirling space between wakefulness and sleep. Then her head turned toward him and her eyes focused. She bolted upright. "Oh, my God!" she gasped, dragging her hair away from her face and flinging the sheet away. She stumbled off of the bed and looked around frantically, though she wasn't sure what she was searching for.  
  
"I'm so sorry," she said in a rush. "I know I have no right to be here. I just...didn't expect you to be here, and I figured that no one would ever know I was here so it wouldn't really hurt if I stayed for a few hours, and..."  
  
She trailed off when Luka's hands settled on her shoulders. She swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in her throat. His touch sent a shiver of heat through her. She clamped her eyes shut and turned her head away, fighting the urge to sink into him, to throw herself into his embrace and weep. There was a terrible pain building up inside her, a potent mixture of embarrassment, regret, and lost love. If she didn't get out of here quick, she was going to do something stupid, like blurt out that she loved him. If she did and he rebuffed her, her last illusion would be shattered. She'd have nothing left to hold onto.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said again. "I'll go. I just need to get my jacket. I'll give you back your key. It's in my pocket."  
  
His hands tightened slightly on her shoulders. "I don't want you to go, Abby," he said quietly. "I want you to tell me what's going on."  
  
She tipped her head up to meet his eyes, which were black and fathomless in the dim light filtering into the room. He was all shadows and mysteries, hidden pain and unquestionable strength, and he was perfect. He was everything she wanted, everything she needed.  
  
She'd spent the past two weeks coming up with a plan, and it had been perfect. When he returned, she was going to come to him, lay everything on the line. She was going to apologize for never holding up her end of the relationship, and she was going to tell him in clean, simple words that she'd like a second chance. But that had all been in her mind. Now that he was here, staring at her with concern and confusion in those beautiful eyes, she couldn't seem to make the words come out. She should have known it wouldn't be easy.  
  
"I couldn't sleep," she started. She took a deep breath and forced herself to focus. Just being near him made her thoughts scatter like fallen leaves on a windy autumn day.  
  
Luka nudged her toward the bed and sat on the edge. She did the same, sitting beside him but not quite touching. "I'd lay in bed for hours," she said, "just lay there and stare at the ceiling. I couldn't sleep. I tried everything. Television, reading, you name it...nothing worked. So I decided go out and walk around for a while. If nothing else, I'd exhaust myself until I passed out. But walking didn't help either."  
  
She glanced up at him and found him watching her quietly, no questions, letting her say what she needed to say at her own pace. She loved him for that. "I went to the lake and watched the stars. I thought about you," she admitted with a soft, fleeting smile. "I wondered where you were, how you were doing. When you were coming back."  
  
She looked away for a moment, remembering her desolation at the thought he might not come back. But he was here now, and he was waiting for her explanation. "I finally headed back toward home, but before I knew it I was standing in front of your building, looking up at your window. And I realized I still had your key from when I stayed with you last year. I know I shouldn't have gone inside, but I was lonely, and it..."  
  
She stopped again, the words lodging in her throat. She wasn't good at talking about her feelings. She'd never really shared what was in her heart with anyone before; not her mother, not Richard, not Luka, not Carter. But she'd promised herself she was going to correct that this time around.  
  
"It what?" Luka whispered.  
  
It was a long moment before the words came. But she met his eyes when she said, "Being here felt good. At first I told myself I'd just sit down for a minute. Then I decided to lay down for a bit, just to rest before heading the rest of the way home. But before I knew it I'd fallen asleep, and then it was morning, and I realized I'd gotten some decent sleep for the first time in weeks."  
  
Luka absorbed this, trying to decide what if anything it meant. So she hadn't been sleeping either. She'd also laid alone in bed at night as the minutes slowly ticked away. But he was confused. Why hadn't she been with Carter? Why hadn't he been there to help her get to sleep? "What about Carter?" he asked.  
  
"We're...not together anymore," she told him. "We'd been having problems lately, and we ended it about a week ago."  
  
"Is that why you couldn't sleep?" he asked.  
  
"Not really. I couldn't sleep before that. I just...couldn't stop thinking about you. I miss you, Luka." She blinked rapidly. She couldn't lose it now. She had to get through this, because if she stopped, she wasn't sure she'd have the courage to finish it later.  
  
Luka's eyes slid shut. His head dipped low. "I miss you too, Abby."  
  
"I want to apologize to you," Abby said.  
  
"You don't owe me any apologies," Luka said quietly.  
  
"No, I don't mean about staying here while you were gone. I...I'm sorry for every awful thing I ever said to you. And for every good thing I didn't."  
  
He looked up and saw the sincerity in her eyes. He could also see how hard it was for her to open up this way. She'd never done it before, and she was struggling to do it now. But the point was that she was trying. "We both made mistakes," he told her. "We both said and did things we shouldn't have."  
  
"All you ever did was try to be there for me," she said, talking more to herself now. She stared absently at the wall, tears rising to the surface when she felt his hand cover hers. "And I pushed you away because I was scared."  
  
"What were you scared of?"  
  
"I was scared that if you saw how screwed up my life was you'd run for the hills." She gave a self-deprecating laugh and shook her head. "Which is stupid because I was just as likely to lose you by shutting you out as I was by letting you in."  
  
He couldn't keep the hurt from his voice. "You thought I'd leave if you talked about yourself? About your family?"  
  
Abby choked on a sob. She dragged a hand through her hair and took a few halting breaths. "When I was little, my mom would come pick me up from school, and sometimes she'd be manic. She'd make a scene in front of all the other kids, and then for the next few days kids would avoid me. They'd give me strange looks and talk behind my back. And then I'd go home and pray for God to give me a mom who wasn't like that."  
  
Her hands scraped at her cheeks, wiping away the stubborn tears that wouldn't stay inside. A tremor ran through her, shimmying up her spine and down her arms. She propped her elbows on her knees and dropped her head into her hands.  
  
"I never learned how to be with people," she said brokenly. "I just did what I could to protect Eric and never let anyone else in. Because I loved my mom and she just kept hurting me. And I was...I was scared that if I let you get too close, you'd learn all these terrible things about me, and you wouldn't think I was worth putting up with the trouble for."  
  
It was a long moment before Luka could find his voice. It was a new experience, having Abby bear her soul to him, and her words broke his heart. When his children had been born, he'd wanted to do everything for them. He'd vowed never to let them down. It hurt knowing she hadn't had that devotion, that she'd had to grow up far before her time.  
  
"I didn't care if your family had problems," he said to her. "Every family has problems. I just wanted to be with you."  
  
"I know that now," she whispered. She glanced up at him but couldn't hold his gaze. She felt raw, hollowed out inside. And, so quietly Luka had to strain to hear her, she added, "And you don't know how sorry I am not to have realized it in time."  
  
"In time for what?" he managed, his own voice choked with emotion.  
  
"In time to save us."  
  
Luka dropped his head toward his chest, fighting to reign in his emotions. He needed to keep his head clear, at least long enough to understand if they really did have a second chance to make things work. Could he really be that lucky? Could he really win her back after making the heart- wrenching decision to let her go for good?  
  
"Maybe you did," he said softly. "Maybe we can talk things through some more and see where that takes us."  
  
Abby's breath hitched as their tear-stained gazes met. "Do you mean that?" she breathed. He nodded, and a sob broke from her lips. "Can I...?" she asked, her eyes wide, hope not fully concealed. Her hands were shaking as she held them out.  
  
"Of course." He opened his arms, and she leaned into the strength of his embrace. His arms enfolded her, his hands gently caressing her back. He rested his head on hers and sighed.  
  
Abby buried her face against his chest as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. She fisted her hands in the soft material of his shirt and breathed in his scent. This was where she was meant to be, she thought, right here in his arms, tucked up against his heart. This was where she always wanted to be.  
  
Neither one of them wanted the embrace to end. They'd both spent so many endless nights dreaming of being back in each other's arms. And now that they were here, where they belonged, they never wanted to move.  
  
It could have been a few minutes later, it could have been an hour, but eventually they pulled apart. They moved only far enough to look into each other's eyes. They didn't speak, at least not with words. They watched each other in the dim light, their eyes saying things their lips weren't yet ready to.  
  
Luka stifled a yawn. If he hadn't been tired enough before, jet lag was starting to catch up with him. He knew there was more he needed to say to Abby, and he was afraid if he didn't say it soon, she'd get scared and close up again. That was the last thing he wanted. They were finally headed in the right direction, and he didn't want to lose momentum.  
  
"You need to get some sleep," Abby said as she caught him yawning again. "I should go."  
  
"I want you to stay," he said, his hand cupping her face. He brushed his thumb across her cheek. "I think now I won't be able to sleep if you're not here."  
  
"Are you sure?" she felt compelled to ask.  
  
He touched his lips to hers, lightly, sweetly. Conversation could wait until tomorrow, he decided. Right now he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with her curled up against his side. "Yes." 


	6. Bacon, Eggs, and Conversation

Chapter Six  
  
Luka smelled bacon. He stirred from his sleep, the scents of bacon and eggs wafting in to him. He rolled over onto his back and waited for his eyes to focus. His arm stretched out beside him, but there was only empty space.  
  
He sat up and scrubbed a hand over his face. His brain felt like it was full of mud. Had he imagined last night with Abby? He couldn't have. Fate wasn't cruel enough for him to have imagined it. Not after he'd wished it for so long.  
  
He staggered out of bed and headed for the kitchen. And there she was, like a dream, scooping eggs out of a frying pan onto two plates. She hadn't noticed him yet, so for a moment he stood quietly and watched as she added bacon and toast to the plates. There was also an unfamiliar carton of orange juice on his counter. "Did all of this come from my kitchen?"  
  
Abby whirled around, her hand pressed against her heart. "I thought you were asleep."  
  
He came forward and took a swig of the orange juice straight from the carton. "This doesn't look like mine," he said, gesturing toward the carton.  
  
"It's not. There was nothing in here recognizable as food, so I ran down to the little store on the corner."  
  
"You didn't have to make breakfast."  
  
She shrugged, a shy smile tilting the corners of her mouth. "I wanted to."  
  
"I should at least have some coffee left."  
  
"Oh, damn," she muttered with a shake of her head. "The one thing I forgot."  
  
"Don't worry. I have some in here somewhere." He opened a cupboard and started pawing through it.  
  
"You don't drink coffee."  
  
"What are you talking about? I drink coffee."  
  
"No, I drink coffee. You drink heartburn in a cup. So thanks, but I think I'll stick with juice."  
  
"Ha, ha," Luka said as he finally found what he was looking for. "Then what do you call this?" He held up a small jar of instant Folger's, and Abby eyed it like it was gold.  
  
"Where did this come from?"  
  
He shrugged as he set the jar on the counter and started the coffee machine. "I picked it up a while ago." Actually, he'd bought it last year when she'd stayed with him. Only, as fate would have it, she'd gone back to her own apartment that very same day. He'd shoved the jar in the back of his cupboard and forgotten about it.  
  
She looked up at him as if she suspected when he'd actually purchased it. She found the gesture incredibly sweet, and her heart swelled at the reminder of how Luka had been before. She'd always loved the endearing little things he'd done for her, from his sometimes pitiful attempts at cooking, to buying her coffee in the mornings on their way into work, to the quiet support he'd offered when she'd gone to court with her mother.  
  
He closed the distance between them, his hands reaching out to clasp her shoulders. He drew her against him. She stood on her toes to bring her face closer to his. "I'm glad you're back," she said quietly.  
  
"So am I."  
  
Abby's eyes slid shut as their lips met. She clutched his shoulders and held on. Luka's hands lifted, their power carefully controlled as he framed her face, gently stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. Their breaths mingled as their lips fused together. The kiss started out slowly, a gentle exploration between two reunited lovers. It was all about ease and bonding, about rekindling something neither had thought had a chance to come to life again.  
  
But there was too much history between them for it to remain easy for long. They'd faced tragedy and triumph, pain and passion together. They'd been apart too long, and had wanted to be back together for too long, for the quiet ease to last. Luka wrapped one arm around her shoulders, the other around her waist, and held her against his body. Abby wound her arms around his neck, her lips melding with his, her heart beating frantically against his.  
  
A few moments later they pulled apart, both a little shaken. They hadn't expected things to flare out of control quite so quickly. They'd hungered for each other or so long they'd almost forgotten they were supposed to be going slow. They were supposed to be talking things through.  
  
"We should eat before the food gets cold," Abby murmured, though she could have gladly stayed there, wrapped in his arms, forever.  
  
"Right, right." But he didn't let her go.  
  
It was caffeine that eventually made them separate. She stifled a yawn and leaned back so she could look up at him. "We have to move if we want coffee."  
  
A few minutes later they sat side by side at the small table, digging into their breakfast and sipping hot coffee and orange juice. "Are you on today?" Luka asked her.  
  
"I would have been, but Dr. Weaver made me take a day off."  
  
"These eggs are really good," he said as he took another bite. "She made you take a day off? That doesn't sound like Dr. Weaver."  
  
"Well, she found out I've worked the last ten days in a row."  
  
Luka raised his brows. "Ten days without a day off? How could you stand it?"  
  
"I didn't have anything better to do," she said with a shrug. "It was basically either go to work and stay busy or sit on my couch feeling sorry for myself. I chose work."  
  
She finished her eggs and took a sip of coffee. "It's made me really popular with the other nurses, though. I took one shift so Haleh could spend the day with her kids, I took a couple so Conni could be with her husband, and I took one for Chuny. They're all about ready to worship at my feet." Her smile faltered as she stifled a yawn. Truth was, she was exhausted from working so many shifts, but it had either been work or sit home and pine away for Luka.  
  
"What about you?" she asked. "When are you going back to work?"  
  
"I don't know." He finished his breakfast and pushed the empty plate aside. "When I got off the plane last night, I had decided to look for a job at another hospital."  
  
"What?" she breathed, her eyes rounding. She stared at him, a piece of bacon poised in front of her mouth. "You're not coming back?"  
  
She couldn't believe it. She'd spent the past two months counting time until he got back, and now he was going to find another job? She looked down at the table, dropping her bacon on her plate. Her appetite was gone, her heart rapidly beating her disappointment and shock.  
  
"Abby." He caught her chin with his fingers and brought her gaze to his. "I decided to find another job because I couldn't take seeing you with Carter anymore. Not when I always wished I could have a second chance."  
  
"I'm not with Carter anymore," she said quietly, her fingers curling around his. She held his hand against her cheek and closed her eyes. "I don't want you to go. For a long time one of my favorite things about coming to work has been seeing you there, and working on patients with you."  
  
"How long?" he asked, intrigued when her eyes slid away from his and a slight blush stained her cheeks.  
  
"Just, you know...a while."  
  
"How long, Abby?" he persisted with a smile that could have charmed Dr. Weaver into giving him a ten thousand dollar raise.  
  
She glared at him, then blew out a short breath and shook her head. "Since my first day as a med student, all right?"  
  
"Really?" he asked with a delighted little chuckle.  
  
"Look, it's not a big deal," she said. She got up and went to the counter to refill her coffee. She took the pot back to the table and topped his cup off as well. "All of the other nurses liked you too."  
  
"All of them?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. "Like you didn't know." She sat down again, her tone becoming serious. She looked into his eyes and said, "Please stay at County. I know it's not always the greatest job, and it can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but I want you to stay. I need you to stay."  
  
"I never really wanted to go," he said, taking her hand and pressing a gentle kiss on her knuckles. "I just hated seeing you with someone else." He leaned forward and rested his forehead on hers. He really didn't want to leave County. He liked his coworkers-for the most part-and he especially enjoyed working with Abby. They worked well together, and he loved having her there so he could decompress after a particularly hectic shift.  
  
"Maybe I will stay," he said.  
  
"Yeah?" A hopeful smile came to life, and Luka thought she'd never looked more beautiful.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
They found themselves in each other's arms again, and it was the perfect way to end their meal. They wrapped their arms around each other, and felt the peace of things settling back the way they were supposed to be. "So," Abby said, "if I don't work today, and you don't work today, do you want to do something together?"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
She shrugged as they got up and cleared the table. "I don't know. We could go walk down by the river, we could go to a baseball game, anything. I just think we should go on a date. It's been too long since we've been on a date."  
  
"Sounds good."  
  
"Where do you want to go?" she asked as she placed the orange juice in the fridge.  
  
He stopped what he was doing and turned to her. "As long as you're there, I don't care." And then he kissed her again. 


	7. View From the Pier

Reflections on the Water - Chapter Seven  
  
"Tell me what happened with your brother."  
  
They sat on a park bench on the upper deck at Navy Pier. It was a quiet alcove, removed from the crowds, surrounded by flower beds and trees.  
  
Abby cradles her empty ice cream dish and watched the ferris wheel go around. "A few days before you left, Carter's grandmother died. It had been a really hectic shift, and I hadn't seen him for a while. So I hadn't heard about it yet when Eric called."  
  
She shook her head as she glanced at him. "He calls me out of the blue, telling me he's at some diner, and can I come get him? He didn't even know where he was; I had to have Frank trace the number of the phone booth he called from." She leaned her head back and looked up at the sky. "So I finally find Carter, and I tell him about Eric at the same time he tells me about his grandmother. I wanted to stay, to be there for him, but I knew Eric was probably off his meds, and I couldn't just let him disappear again."  
  
"So did you go get him?" Luka asked, already sure he had. No matter how much her family drained her emotions, she always went after them.  
  
"Yeah, I did. And he was off his meds, manic, and broke. He'd left his program in Minnesota, and I couldn't get ahold of Maggie, so I decided to bring him back with me and get him in a program here. I had a flight scheduled that night, but we missed it, so I checked us into a motel and got a flight back the next morning."  
  
"Is that why Carter was mad at you?"  
  
She looked up at him, her laugh watery, her smile fading as fast as it came. "Oh, it gets much worse. Trust me."  
  
She shook her head and stared down at the people moving around below them. She remembered the day of the funeral. She'd been running late, unable to decide how to do her hair and makeup. She hadn't wanted to embarrass Carter by looking foolish in front of his grandmother's society friends.  
  
A few seconds after fear had washed over her at the sound of someone entering her apartment unexpectedly, she'd realized it was Eric, and she'd been filled with helpless desperation. It was never going to stop. Something was always going to go wrong. Whether it was Eric or Maggie, something was always going to happen, and she was going to have to pick up the pieces.  
  
Luka's hand settled on her back, rubbing absently, infusing her with warmth. He didn't try to force her words. But suddenly she found them coming again. "I was getting ready to leave for the funeral when Eric broke into my apartment. He'd gone off his meds again, picked a fight with one of the other patients, and left the program."  
  
"So soon?"  
  
"He keeps saying he can't do anything on his meds, that they give him too much. So anyway, I'm late for the funeral, the car that Carter sent for me was waiting, and here's Eric. I was scared to leave him alone, so I took him with me. I made him promise to stay in the car and keep quiet."  
  
"And he didn't," Luka guessed, feeling for her.  
  
"Oh, he did," Abby said, "long enough to drink the vodka out of the minibar." She cut her eyes up at him, but couldn't hold his gaze. She went back to watching the ferris wheel. "The minister was in the middle of his sermon when Eric climbed out of the car and took a leak next to one of the other graves."  
  
She dropped her head, remembering the dread she'd felt at seeing Eric stumbling across the lawn toward them. She'd wanted to crawl under a rock and die. "I tried to keep him quiet and get him back in the car, but he was drunk, and he was loud, and he didn't shut up until he fell into the open grave."  
  
She leaned her head against Luka's shoulder and squeezed her eyes shut. They burned against the force of embarrassed tears trying to escape. "I gave him some depakote, but the damage had already been done. Carter wanted nothing to do with me at that point, so I took Eric to the hospital and got Myers to see him."  
  
Luka wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gave her a few minutes to calm down. He'd known her long enough to realize that if he tried to force her to talk while she was emotional, it would only lead to trouble. He believed that had been their biggest problem when they'd been together before; they'd never learned how to communicate with each other, to read each other's moods and know the best way to respond.  
  
"How is he doing now?" Luka asked when he sensed her calming down.  
  
"Myers helped me get him into a new program. Apparently he doesn't like it much, but he's lasted over three weeks now, so hopefully..." She shrugged, a smile sliding across her face.  
  
The look didn't fool Luka. "What do you mean, apparently?"  
  
She gave a little head shake. "I haven't actually talked to him since he went in. But I've been calling the program director every couple of days. He did the same thing the first time we got him in a program-stopped talking to me. Tell you the truth I think the only reason he agreed to go into the program in the first place was because he felt guilty for ruining the funeral. I just hope he felt guilty enough to stay until he's ready for it to start doing some real good."  
  
"What does your mom think about all this?"  
  
"I haven't told her."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
She sighed, weary of the whole mess. "Because I don't want her to come and pull him out again. The first program I got him in, he didn't like, and she pulled him out after a day. I want him to have a chance."  
  
She looked up at him, her eyes wide and sad. He gathered her close and held her against his side. He wanted to do whatever he could to protect her, and to make her happy. Maybe that was most important right now, he thought. Give her a few hours without having to worry about her family. "You know what I think?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I think we should take a ride."  
  
Abby followed his gaze to the ferris wheel. A smile curved her lips. "I haven't ridden that in years."  
  
Luka stood up and extended his hand to her. "Then it's the perfect time to do it again."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"You don't have to buy my anything."  
  
After their trip around the ferris wheel, they found themselves wandering in and out of the many shops dotting the pier. Though she kept trying to deter him, Luka seemed insistent on buying her a gift.  
  
"I want to," he said with a shrug, lifting a delicate silver necklace to examine the charm dangling from it. "You deserve something nice." He held the necklace up for her to see. It was a thin silver chain, and a small, antique key-shaped charm hung from it.  
  
Key to my heart, she thought with a little smile. "It's beautiful." Smiling back at her, Luka took the necklace to the counter and paid for it. Once they were back out in the sun, Luka turned her to face him and clasped the chain around her neck. He stood back and admired the way it glinted in the sun, the way the charm dangled just below the hollow of her throat.  
  
"You're beautiful," he whispered, his lips gently touching hers.  
  
They explored the shops side by side, Luka's arm resting across her shoulders. Abby leaned into him, feeling at peace for the first time in an eternity. It was strange, how she'd been able to talk about her family once she stopped feeling pressure to do so. She'd always hated that, people insisting that she talk about everything, then telling her how she should handle her own family's problems. But now, with Luka, it seemed to be coming easier. Maybe because she was finally ready to take the risk of exposing herself, her family, and all of their faults. She was no longer afraid that he would leave her because of her problems.  
  
A few minutes later she stopped walking, realizing Luka was no longer beside her. She turned and saw him standing in front of a store a few yards back, staring at the display window. She approached him again, her brows creased in curiosity. "Something wrong?" she asked.  
  
It was a long moment before he spoke. "There was this old woman," he started, his eyes fixed on the window. "She lived on the ground floor of our building. She had no family. She made wooden dolls to fill up her time; she would carve the faces and hands herself, and sew their clothes. She gave one to Jasna every year on her birthday and Christmas."  
  
Abby looked down at the ground before her gaze slid to the window, where a hand-painted wooden doll rested on a miniature wicker chair. She looked up at him, not quite sure what to say. She laid a hand on his arm. "Are you all right?" she asked after a minute.  
  
He nodded, wrapping an arm around her and drawing her against his side. "They don't make many dolls like this anymore," he said. "Now they're all plastic with lots of toys to go with them. Not like before. But Jasna loved her dolls. She carried one with her everywhere."  
  
Abby leaned into him, wishing she was better at this comfort stuff. She'd helped the families of countless dead or dying relatives, but when the person hurting was someone you loved, it was different. When you knew something of the person's history, and when you cared deeply for them, it wasn't so easy to find the right words. Empty platitudes just didn't work.  
  
She looked at the doll, then at Luka's face. "I'll be right back," she said quietly. She left him in front of the window and slipped inside the store. It only took her a minute to find what she was looking for. A shelf near the register held several dolls like the one in the window. She selected one with long dark hair and paid for it, looking back at Luka as the clerk placed it in a box and wrapped it with tissue paper.  
  
Back outside, she looped her arm through his and looked up at him. "Come on."  
  
"What's this?" he asked, nodding toward the box.  
  
She glanced down at it, then back at him. With a slight shrug she said, "It makes you remember good things....you deserve to remember the good things about them."  
  
He turned her to face him. Lightly gripping her elbows, he leaned down and rested his forehead against hers. "Thank you," he whispered.  
  
She leaned into him as he wrapped his arms around her. For some time they stood there, in their own world, as the crowd parted around them. "Will you tell me about them some time?" she asked after a moment.  
  
He met her eyes, and his were filled with old pain and new hope. "Yes. I'll tell you." And, side by side, they walked away from the pier. 


End file.
